This post comes from the deepest parts of my heart. The shame we experience as ADHDer's is deeply ingrained in our thoughts and feelings. If you've ever felt not good enough or thought "what is wrong with me" this blog post is for you. Shame makes ADHD harder to manage, and when you are finally able to minimize it, then you can thrive.
If you're a woman recently diagnosed with ADHD, I'm sure your mind has been swirling with all the feels. The initial relief of finally getting answers, coupled with confusion, frustration, and even shame and grief about why it took so long.
Having ADHD can make you feel like the odd one out, especially as an adult woman. You may look back at your life with a critical eye - all of the forgetfulness, impulsiveness, disorganization, financial debt and unfinished projects - and judge yourself harshly. "How could I have been so lazy, irresponsible or careless?"
And societal misconceptions don't help. Maybe you've encountered ignorant comments that mischaracterize ADHD as a made-up condition for unruly kids or an excuse for lack of effort. Or talked to someone who said "oh we're all a little ADHD". Ouch.
If you're feeling ashamed about your ADHD, I'm here to remind you that you have nothing to be ashamed about. You've likely just been masking and working twice as hard to fit conventional societal norms that weren't designed with your beautiful, neurodivergent brain in mind. It's time to ditch the shame and embrace self-compassion.
The Shame and Stigma Around ADHD
The reasons for self-judgment and embarrassment around ADHD are multilayered. Many of us were raised when ADHD wasn't as well-understood, only for boys, or dismissed as bad behavior to be corrected.
And even now, there are still countless misguided misconceptions spread about ADHD being overdiagnosed or used as a crutch. Media outlets often depict it through an outdated, hyper-focused lens rather than capturing the nuances of inattentive ADHD too.
Many not impacted by ADHD wrongly associate it with a lack of willpower, motivation, and discipline, and if you talk to anyone with ADHD, you know that's not the case.
For many women with ADHD like myself, we were people pleasers, who never felt good enough and compensated by overachieving throughout school and work. We were shamed for making careless mistakes, being "weird" (which honestly is one of the most triggering words that still shatters my soul), daydreaming, loosing things, missing deadlines, or being too all over the place. And we internalized those messages into deep-seated shame and self-criticism that linger as adults.
But the truth is, ADHD has nothing to do with smarts or willpower. It's a legitimate neurobehavioral condition that requires compassion and different strategies - not harsh self-judgment.
Release Yourself from the Shame Cycle
ADHD coach and advocate Lisa Woodruff eloquently reminds us, "Having ADHD is not a personal failure or character flaw. It's a medical condition, not a moral failing."
ADHD affects fundamental self-regulation functions in the brain like focus, emotions, cognition, and memory. It's not your fault if you naturally struggle with things like sustaining attention, regulating emotions, being organized, and managing time well.
Instead of beating yourself up and calling yourself "lazy" or "irresponsible", release yourself from the shame and work on self-compassion. Give yourself grace. You've likely been operating in environments and systems misaligned with your brain.
Self-compassion means acknowledging your human limitations without harsh self-criticism. It's recognizing that you're doing the best you can with the brain you have. Speak to yourself with kindness and patience rather than labels.
Take baby steps to work with your brain, not against it. Implement small tweaks and non-judgmental self-monitoring. And when you inevitably fall short, treat yourself how you'd treat your best friend going through the same.
Build Your ADHD Confidence
In addition to self-compassion, work on building up your ADHD confidence. Part of releasing shame is radically accepting and embracing your neurodivergent self as equally valid.
Yes, the ADHD experience comes with challenges we must strategically manage. But we have an immense number of overlooked positive qualities too!
People with ADHD are typically highly creative, resourceful, resilient and emotionally expressive. Having heightened empathy and energy allows us to be great friends, partners and community members. Our restless curiosity keeps us exploring new hobbies and interests. Following our passions with hyperfocus can lead to inventive ideas. We are great in a crisis and have the uncanny ability to get 10 days worth of work done in 1 day with hyperfocus.
We aren't fundamentally broken or less-than. We're beautifully human just like everyone else, with our own unique strengths that counterbalance our weaknesses.
How You Can Embrace Your ADHD Identity Today
Want to start building that ADHD confidence and eliminating lingering shame?
Here are some ways that could help:
Educate yourself through reputable ADHD books, sites, and communities to reframe ADHD as a difference, not a deficiency
Find an awesome ADHD coach like me to help you not only learn about your ADHD, but learn how to work with your brain not against it without shame
Surround yourself with positive, uplifting ADHD role models or people who inspire self-acceptance
Make a written list celebrating your ADHD superpowers and unique abilities
Practice mantras and affirmations to counter unhelpful thoughts like "I'm a failure"
Work with an ADHD coach or counselor to validate your experiences without shame
Join a local or online ADHD support group to realize you aren't alone
Follow @HowtoADHD and other people celebrating ADHD pride
Try artistic expression like journaling your journey to self-acceptance
Remember, you belong. You aren't "too much." And you have an incredible ADHD community cheering you on while sharing similar experiences and understanding. Keep leaning into self-compassion!
The ADHD journey isn't easy, but overcoming shame allows you to create your definition of success. With more acceptance, you can show up authentically as your brilliant, neurodivergent self. Shame-free and unstoppable.
If this resonated with you in any way, please like, follow, or share this blog with someone with ADHD!
Click here to learn more about my ADHD Coaching program, "The Neurodivergent Breakthrough" and book a free discovery call with me!
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